The confidence I’ve gained since my divorce has been life-changing.
When I made the decision to leave, four months after getting married, I felt so lost. You can read the full story about why I left here. It wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t a dramatic exit. Instead it was a soft dribble away back to my parents’ house. My heart was set on leaving, but my mind always tried to pull it back. In my head, this was my only shot at being with someone and I would constantly remind myself that I needed to really make sure I was making the right choice. Even if I felt like I’d given it as much thought as I could, there was always the possibility I might have got it wrong. Think again, try again and again and again.
Even if I felt like I’d given it as much thought as I could, there was always the possibility I might have got it wrong. Think again, try again and again and again.
I ran myself through the mill so many times I was absolutely spent with trying. When I did eventually leave it was quiet and I was exhausted. I sat on the sofa with my parents, relieved and warm. I suddenly felt safe and it made me realise just how unsafe and unhealthy that other environment had been. I had made the right decision and I was content.
I went back to collect my things with more strength. Both of us cried but I don’t think either of us was actually crying for our relationship. In fact, when I think about it now I don’t think it had anything to do with him at all. I was crying for myself. For how I had let myself get into that situation, for all the effort that had been spent and had now unravelled and even a little for my future — maybe I would never be with anyone again. Perhaps I had just given up my chance at marriage. Most of all, I think I cried for feeling trapped — I had been trapped in marriage and even in freedom I was cornering myself into limited possibility. From what I had seen, growing up in Asian culture, people (especially girls) with any kind of medical history had a hard life. That history was like a big permanent mark and no one wanted a damaged bride.